How to have a baby

This is an old question from Erika (who already had her baby like a million years ago).
Erika asked;

 "I need advice- I am over 40 weeks pregnant (i.e. overdue) and need to get this baby out of me! What should I do?"

Well congratufreakinlations Erika, you had your baby. There is lots of advice out there for how to get those babies out! As the son of a certified Doula (woman in the service of another woman) and an aspiring midwife (my mother is...not me...ew!) I have heard a lot of stuff about birthing babies. Feel free to use any of the following ideas in your next attempt in blessing this world with a bunch of little Isaac's to make my life a living hell!!!

1) Have sex

Supposedly one of the ways to get a baby to come out is to let it know that there is a new baby that needs to move in. Obviously the babies that believe this are idiots because you can't get pregnant while you are still pregnant. You're welcome for giving you a way to test your baby's intelligence before birth....stupid babies!!    

2) Get a "birth ball"

Have you ever seen those big bouncy balls that weird office executives sit on? We had several of these in our house growing up and they were known as "birth balls". Of course this didn't keep us from throwing them at each other or bouncing around on them. Just bounce on one of these for a few hours and if your child reaches out and tries to dribble the ball just grab its slimy little hand and yank it out!

3) Threaten the baby

If worst comes to worst you can always try yelling at your baby. Tell your baby that you will give it an awful name or that you will show all your birth pictures to their friends. Tell your baby that you will bottle feed it and it will lose out on all the nutrition that breast milk has to offer. If you feel bad making these threats you are stupid because babies don't remember ANYTHING!! Once they crown the part of their brain that remembers things is destroyed and all they know how to do is drink milk and poop their pants....medical fact, look it up!

Well I hope this helps for the next time you get knocked up. Until that day, farewell.