How to have a baby

This is an old question from Erika (who already had her baby like a million years ago).
Erika asked;

 "I need advice- I am over 40 weeks pregnant (i.e. overdue) and need to get this baby out of me! What should I do?"

Well congratufreakinlations Erika, you had your baby. There is lots of advice out there for how to get those babies out! As the son of a certified Doula (woman in the service of another woman) and an aspiring midwife (my mother is...not me...ew!) I have heard a lot of stuff about birthing babies. Feel free to use any of the following ideas in your next attempt in blessing this world with a bunch of little Isaac's to make my life a living hell!!!

1) Have sex

Supposedly one of the ways to get a baby to come out is to let it know that there is a new baby that needs to move in. Obviously the babies that believe this are idiots because you can't get pregnant while you are still pregnant. You're welcome for giving you a way to test your baby's intelligence before birth....stupid babies!!    

2) Get a "birth ball"

Have you ever seen those big bouncy balls that weird office executives sit on? We had several of these in our house growing up and they were known as "birth balls". Of course this didn't keep us from throwing them at each other or bouncing around on them. Just bounce on one of these for a few hours and if your child reaches out and tries to dribble the ball just grab its slimy little hand and yank it out!

3) Threaten the baby

If worst comes to worst you can always try yelling at your baby. Tell your baby that you will give it an awful name or that you will show all your birth pictures to their friends. Tell your baby that you will bottle feed it and it will lose out on all the nutrition that breast milk has to offer. If you feel bad making these threats you are stupid because babies don't remember ANYTHING!! Once they crown the part of their brain that remembers things is destroyed and all they know how to do is drink milk and poop their pants....medical fact, look it up!

Well I hope this helps for the next time you get knocked up. Until that day, farewell.

How to Grow Up

Isaac asked;

"Shredstin, how do I grow up and quit being so immature all the time. Also I smell bad and I am not very good at love making. PLEASE HELP!!!!!"

Okay!! I may be paraphrasing a little bit.

Well Isaac lucky for you I grew up a long time ago. Not only have I been able to grow a beard since I was 4  (seen below)......

....but I also learned how to wipe my own butt instead of yelling for my mom to do it....you could learn a thing or two from me.

In fact, isn't the point of this blog so that you can learn from me? Yes, yes it it. So pop a few ritalins and lets get started.

One of my major growing up moments is when my dad took me behind a trailer and spelled the word ASSUME on the back of it. I don't remember the details because I was like 2 1/2 but whoever UME is, I will never make an ass out of him again. That is what growing up is all about Isaac! You learn from your mistakes. I will go ahead and list some of the mistakes YOU have made and what we can all learn from them.

Barstow

Remember that one time we ended up in Barstow California on accident? Yeah, totally your fault. UME would be so embarrassed for you.  Sometimes in the processes of growing up people give you really crappy directions and then fall asleep. If you find yourself off course just remember that it was probably due to lack of good directions. P.S. Both of our trips to California sucked.

Chest rape

Remember the first time you wrestled me and I chest raped you?? This picture looks super awkward since I edited you out of it. I just didn't want you to be humiliated. I dominated you the first time and I have dominated you every time since then.  The point is being grown up means you pick your battles wisely.  I will now chest rape you every time I see you. Its your own fault you childish fool!

For those of you who don't know what chest rape is, I tackle Isaac to the ground and slam him with my chest until he gives up.  It is much less awkward then it sounds....and its not gay.

3 Man Towers

Remember when we did a three man tower in the park. I was on the bottom and Eric was on the top and YOU said it was the best idea ever!! Well Isaac, it wasn't!  Eric broke his back and had to wear a jet pack for 6 months.  If you would have planned a little bit better you would have realized that we needed a way to get Eric down instead of me just throwing him down when I got tired.  Planning is everything when it comes to being grown up.

Well I hope this helps Isaac.  One day you will tell your children that Shredstin made you the man you are today and then you will weep.  Of course after you cry I will show up to punch you in the face because grown men don't cry.

How to be witty

Justin (my alter ego) asks;

"Shredstin, I noticed you haven't done a blog for a long time. What's the deal?!  Anyway I was just wondering if you could give be some advice how how to be witty. I don't have many friends and I feel like I need a fresh way to impress people. PLEASE HELP!!"

Well Justin you/we have come to the right place. I/you are/am very witty. I would tell you that witty is my middle name but we both know that isn't true. I would add it to my name but "Shredstin DeNarnia Witty de la freakin GnarGnar" is far too long of a name.

Anyways here are some examples of how to be witty.

 Dreams
Practice being funny is your dreams.  When a zombie tries to eat you or you finally meet a girl that is interested in you, you can rest assured that you are dreaming. Try saying something witty to the zombie. If it doesn't work out you can try again the next night. 

Think Ahead

Try to think ahead. Think of something in your life that you could mention that would be hilarious. For example, if someone brings up their father you can bring up the fact that your father is in prison.  This will make people feel so uncomfortable that they won't dare question you when you declare that you are now a wit master.

Internet
When Aslan invented that internet he didn't intend it for the use of a hipster. He intended it for funny people to make funny thing and to steal funny things from other people.  Half the jokes I know I stole from the internet. The other half Aslan told me personally because he has called me to a higher calling. I knew wit before it was cool.



I sure hope this helped Justin. You are very attractive and neat and fun.

Friend Zone

This advice is for Andrea who asked;

"Dear Shred, How do you get out of the friend zone? Love, Andrea"

I have been in the friend zone with every girl for the last kagillion years. Why do you think I decided to answer your blog on a Friday night. The friend zone is lovely this time of year because you don't have to do any stupid valentine's day bull crap. You can just sit around and watch Pokemon 2000 with your friends.

Man, how do I do it?!!

But if you want to be out of the friend zone I may have a few good ideas to help you;

The Word "Love"

I have told every girl on the planet this at least 3 times each. If you tell a boy that you love him and you aren't dating, you are automatically placing him in a friend prison from which there is rarely ever an escape! The common response is "Oh I just love everyone" or "I just mean like", doesn't matter. You will be alone forever if you keep it up. My common response when a female tells me she loves me is "You don't know what love is!" or "What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.".  

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

I am not bitter about this because it hasn't happened to me 46,000 times! The reason most people are in the friend zone is because they won't make up their minds. Don't invite a boy you are interested in over when you have other boys over.  If you do so he is more likely to marry the other boys then he is to marry you. 

And that should do it. Boys aren't as stupid as we seem. Sometimes you girls think you are putting right signals out there but they are just clouded by the million other signals that tell us the opposite of what you really mean. 

Spirit Animals

This advice is for Rachel who asked;

"I would like you to discuss how you find out what your spirit animal is. ex. yours is obviously the wolf. I want to know what mine is and I don't know how to determine it!
Is it by birthdays? Which animal you bond most with? I DON'T KNOW!"

Rachel you have come to the right place (obviously). I have actually helped several people to find their spirit animals. Seriously....I don't joke about spirit animal discovery. 

First I must address one of your comments. It is pretty judgmental of you to ass-u-me that my spirit animal is a wolf. I ass-u-me that it is because of all my wolf shirts (enough for 2 weeks). My spirit animal is actually a Wolfdragicorn. They just don't make any shirts that depict this creature....I think it is illegal to do so! It looks something like this;

*sniff* He is so beautiful! 

Anyway, your spirit animal has to choose YOU.  Here a few ways to invite one of mother natures creates to accept you.


Meditation.
I usually like to close my eyes and imagine myself as several different types of animals having several types of adventures. Once you feel like you are imagining something you have done in a previous life you have been selected by that animal.

Wilderness Exploration. 
Go into the woods. If you are attacked by an animal it has decided to test your worthiness. Once you win the fight, rip it's heart out and eat it, all the other animals of that species will accept you as one of their own. I highly encourage you to do this....PLEASE!!

Facebook.
There are Facebook quizzes that will tell you what your spirit animal is. This only works if you are stupid and you believe any advice people tell you on the internet. I will personally punch you in your ovaries if you take one of these tests. HARD! 


Well there you go. If you still can't figure it out, me and my Wolfdragicorn will take you in as one of our own....just kidding. You're screwed if this advice doesn't work! 

P.S. Some may be wondering why there is only one beautiful painting this time. Well as Ultra Alpha Male Of The Entire Universe Times Infinity, my Wolfdragicorn refused to allow any other pictures to be posted on a blog about him. He almost made me remove all the other pictures on my blog which I would have done if it would please him. HOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRAWRRRRRRRRRNeigh!!!!!

Careers

This advice is for Kelli who asked;

"How do I choose a fulfilling career?"

Wow.

That is the shortest question I have ever been asked.

Speaking of WoW, I may not be the best person to give advice on this subject because of my addiction to World of Warcraft and my lack of a career.

Sike!

I am the BEST person to give advice on this topic BECAUSE of my addiction to World of Warcraft and lack of a career.  Being a successful level 90 Bloodelf monk requires the same skills needed to become a successful human being IRL. Here are some of those skills.

Gear




WoW is all about the gear that you wear. If you are about to go fight a shoreline full of murlocks you cant go in unprepared!!  If you want to find the career of your dreams you have to dress like you mean it!

Fight.




If you want your dream job you are gonna have to fight for it.  You know that if some gnome loser tries mining some ore right as I land at the deposit that I am gonna bash his effing brains in and then guard his body so he can't respawn. What a Douche! You might have to hurt some feelings and break a nail or two but it's business. 

Lie.



If you want to find fulfillment in this life then people have to like you.  There has never been anyone in history that was well liked that didn't lie about almost everything!  I never lie in WoW but I almost always lie about whether or not I am currently playing it or not.....I don't play WoW anymore. 

Lie more.
Never hurts to double up on the lying.












Well Kelli I hope this is helpful! I am sure that you will be rich some day and for that reason I am really happy to be related to you. 

Purrrfection

This Advice is for Brittany who asked;

"My cat likes to wake up my husband and I IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I swear she's like a baby, always wanting attention and stuff like fresh food and water, and a clean place to *ahem* go to the bathroom. How can I show her she needs to grow up and learn to be a little more independent?"

Brittany, it is not by chance that I am responding to your question today. I have 846545684546534151 other fans who need advice. Today I was feeling very passionate about cat rights because some douche in New Zealand wants to get rid of all the cats to save the bird population! BIRDS WERE THE WORST THINGS EVER CREATED!!!!!

So in the interest of promoting cat ownership everywhere I will answer your question.

Brittany, cats are not like babies. They are more like teenagers. They do not want to please you, they look like they want to kill you, and occasionally they smoke weed...

Bad kitty!!




The trick to dealing with your cat is setting some ground rules and being strict with them.

Open Poop Policy 
You obviously don't have the alpha feline power to force your cat to obey you. So you must do the opposite of what you want it to do. If you poop on the floor all the time your cat will rebel buy pooping in a civilized manner. After a couple legitimate human poops you can use fake poop, just don't let your cat catch you or it may rip your eyes out for the deception.

The Family Bed
My parents did this thing growing up called The Family Bed. Any of the kids could just come get in bed with them. All the babies would sleep their till they were old enough for a real bed. I think this would work wonderfully for your cat. Quit being selfish and let your cat know it is welcome. If you bed becomes the sleeping place it wont be as fun to wake you up.

P.S. This policy became less enjoyable once I figured out how babies were made and saw how many my parents had.....

Hunger
Feeding a cat can be a pain! You should go on a trip to New Zealand with your cat! I hear that they have way too many stupid birds. Once your cat eats all the birds it can feed on poor defenseless hobbits. One cat to rule them all!!