Purrrfection

This Advice is for Brittany who asked;

"My cat likes to wake up my husband and I IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I swear she's like a baby, always wanting attention and stuff like fresh food and water, and a clean place to *ahem* go to the bathroom. How can I show her she needs to grow up and learn to be a little more independent?"

Brittany, it is not by chance that I am responding to your question today. I have 846545684546534151 other fans who need advice. Today I was feeling very passionate about cat rights because some douche in New Zealand wants to get rid of all the cats to save the bird population! BIRDS WERE THE WORST THINGS EVER CREATED!!!!!

So in the interest of promoting cat ownership everywhere I will answer your question.

Brittany, cats are not like babies. They are more like teenagers. They do not want to please you, they look like they want to kill you, and occasionally they smoke weed...

Bad kitty!!




The trick to dealing with your cat is setting some ground rules and being strict with them.

Open Poop Policy 
You obviously don't have the alpha feline power to force your cat to obey you. So you must do the opposite of what you want it to do. If you poop on the floor all the time your cat will rebel buy pooping in a civilized manner. After a couple legitimate human poops you can use fake poop, just don't let your cat catch you or it may rip your eyes out for the deception.

The Family Bed
My parents did this thing growing up called The Family Bed. Any of the kids could just come get in bed with them. All the babies would sleep their till they were old enough for a real bed. I think this would work wonderfully for your cat. Quit being selfish and let your cat know it is welcome. If you bed becomes the sleeping place it wont be as fun to wake you up.

P.S. This policy became less enjoyable once I figured out how babies were made and saw how many my parents had.....

Hunger
Feeding a cat can be a pain! You should go on a trip to New Zealand with your cat! I hear that they have way too many stupid birds. Once your cat eats all the birds it can feed on poor defenseless hobbits. One cat to rule them all!!