How to Grow Up

Isaac asked;

"Shredstin, how do I grow up and quit being so immature all the time. Also I smell bad and I am not very good at love making. PLEASE HELP!!!!!"

Okay!! I may be paraphrasing a little bit.

Well Isaac lucky for you I grew up a long time ago. Not only have I been able to grow a beard since I was 4  (seen below)......

....but I also learned how to wipe my own butt instead of yelling for my mom to do it....you could learn a thing or two from me.

In fact, isn't the point of this blog so that you can learn from me? Yes, yes it it. So pop a few ritalins and lets get started.

One of my major growing up moments is when my dad took me behind a trailer and spelled the word ASSUME on the back of it. I don't remember the details because I was like 2 1/2 but whoever UME is, I will never make an ass out of him again. That is what growing up is all about Isaac! You learn from your mistakes. I will go ahead and list some of the mistakes YOU have made and what we can all learn from them.

Barstow

Remember that one time we ended up in Barstow California on accident? Yeah, totally your fault. UME would be so embarrassed for you.  Sometimes in the processes of growing up people give you really crappy directions and then fall asleep. If you find yourself off course just remember that it was probably due to lack of good directions. P.S. Both of our trips to California sucked.

Chest rape

Remember the first time you wrestled me and I chest raped you?? This picture looks super awkward since I edited you out of it. I just didn't want you to be humiliated. I dominated you the first time and I have dominated you every time since then.  The point is being grown up means you pick your battles wisely.  I will now chest rape you every time I see you. Its your own fault you childish fool!

For those of you who don't know what chest rape is, I tackle Isaac to the ground and slam him with my chest until he gives up.  It is much less awkward then it sounds....and its not gay.

3 Man Towers

Remember when we did a three man tower in the park. I was on the bottom and Eric was on the top and YOU said it was the best idea ever!! Well Isaac, it wasn't!  Eric broke his back and had to wear a jet pack for 6 months.  If you would have planned a little bit better you would have realized that we needed a way to get Eric down instead of me just throwing him down when I got tired.  Planning is everything when it comes to being grown up.

Well I hope this helps Isaac.  One day you will tell your children that Shredstin made you the man you are today and then you will weep.  Of course after you cry I will show up to punch you in the face because grown men don't cry.

How to be witty

Justin (my alter ego) asks;

"Shredstin, I noticed you haven't done a blog for a long time. What's the deal?!  Anyway I was just wondering if you could give be some advice how how to be witty. I don't have many friends and I feel like I need a fresh way to impress people. PLEASE HELP!!"

Well Justin you/we have come to the right place. I/you are/am very witty. I would tell you that witty is my middle name but we both know that isn't true. I would add it to my name but "Shredstin DeNarnia Witty de la freakin GnarGnar" is far too long of a name.

Anyways here are some examples of how to be witty.

 Dreams
Practice being funny is your dreams.  When a zombie tries to eat you or you finally meet a girl that is interested in you, you can rest assured that you are dreaming. Try saying something witty to the zombie. If it doesn't work out you can try again the next night. 

Think Ahead

Try to think ahead. Think of something in your life that you could mention that would be hilarious. For example, if someone brings up their father you can bring up the fact that your father is in prison.  This will make people feel so uncomfortable that they won't dare question you when you declare that you are now a wit master.

Internet
When Aslan invented that internet he didn't intend it for the use of a hipster. He intended it for funny people to make funny thing and to steal funny things from other people.  Half the jokes I know I stole from the internet. The other half Aslan told me personally because he has called me to a higher calling. I knew wit before it was cool.



I sure hope this helped Justin. You are very attractive and neat and fun.

Friend Zone

This advice is for Andrea who asked;

"Dear Shred, How do you get out of the friend zone? Love, Andrea"

I have been in the friend zone with every girl for the last kagillion years. Why do you think I decided to answer your blog on a Friday night. The friend zone is lovely this time of year because you don't have to do any stupid valentine's day bull crap. You can just sit around and watch Pokemon 2000 with your friends.

Man, how do I do it?!!

But if you want to be out of the friend zone I may have a few good ideas to help you;

The Word "Love"

I have told every girl on the planet this at least 3 times each. If you tell a boy that you love him and you aren't dating, you are automatically placing him in a friend prison from which there is rarely ever an escape! The common response is "Oh I just love everyone" or "I just mean like", doesn't matter. You will be alone forever if you keep it up. My common response when a female tells me she loves me is "You don't know what love is!" or "What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.".  

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

I am not bitter about this because it hasn't happened to me 46,000 times! The reason most people are in the friend zone is because they won't make up their minds. Don't invite a boy you are interested in over when you have other boys over.  If you do so he is more likely to marry the other boys then he is to marry you. 

And that should do it. Boys aren't as stupid as we seem. Sometimes you girls think you are putting right signals out there but they are just clouded by the million other signals that tell us the opposite of what you really mean. 

Spirit Animals

This advice is for Rachel who asked;

"I would like you to discuss how you find out what your spirit animal is. ex. yours is obviously the wolf. I want to know what mine is and I don't know how to determine it!
Is it by birthdays? Which animal you bond most with? I DON'T KNOW!"

Rachel you have come to the right place (obviously). I have actually helped several people to find their spirit animals. Seriously....I don't joke about spirit animal discovery. 

First I must address one of your comments. It is pretty judgmental of you to ass-u-me that my spirit animal is a wolf. I ass-u-me that it is because of all my wolf shirts (enough for 2 weeks). My spirit animal is actually a Wolfdragicorn. They just don't make any shirts that depict this creature....I think it is illegal to do so! It looks something like this;

*sniff* He is so beautiful! 

Anyway, your spirit animal has to choose YOU.  Here a few ways to invite one of mother natures creates to accept you.


Meditation.
I usually like to close my eyes and imagine myself as several different types of animals having several types of adventures. Once you feel like you are imagining something you have done in a previous life you have been selected by that animal.

Wilderness Exploration. 
Go into the woods. If you are attacked by an animal it has decided to test your worthiness. Once you win the fight, rip it's heart out and eat it, all the other animals of that species will accept you as one of their own. I highly encourage you to do this....PLEASE!!

Facebook.
There are Facebook quizzes that will tell you what your spirit animal is. This only works if you are stupid and you believe any advice people tell you on the internet. I will personally punch you in your ovaries if you take one of these tests. HARD! 


Well there you go. If you still can't figure it out, me and my Wolfdragicorn will take you in as one of our own....just kidding. You're screwed if this advice doesn't work! 

P.S. Some may be wondering why there is only one beautiful painting this time. Well as Ultra Alpha Male Of The Entire Universe Times Infinity, my Wolfdragicorn refused to allow any other pictures to be posted on a blog about him. He almost made me remove all the other pictures on my blog which I would have done if it would please him. HOWLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRAWRRRRRRRRRNeigh!!!!!

Careers

This advice is for Kelli who asked;

"How do I choose a fulfilling career?"

Wow.

That is the shortest question I have ever been asked.

Speaking of WoW, I may not be the best person to give advice on this subject because of my addiction to World of Warcraft and my lack of a career.

Sike!

I am the BEST person to give advice on this topic BECAUSE of my addiction to World of Warcraft and lack of a career.  Being a successful level 90 Bloodelf monk requires the same skills needed to become a successful human being IRL. Here are some of those skills.

Gear




WoW is all about the gear that you wear. If you are about to go fight a shoreline full of murlocks you cant go in unprepared!!  If you want to find the career of your dreams you have to dress like you mean it!

Fight.




If you want your dream job you are gonna have to fight for it.  You know that if some gnome loser tries mining some ore right as I land at the deposit that I am gonna bash his effing brains in and then guard his body so he can't respawn. What a Douche! You might have to hurt some feelings and break a nail or two but it's business. 

Lie.



If you want to find fulfillment in this life then people have to like you.  There has never been anyone in history that was well liked that didn't lie about almost everything!  I never lie in WoW but I almost always lie about whether or not I am currently playing it or not.....I don't play WoW anymore. 

Lie more.
Never hurts to double up on the lying.












Well Kelli I hope this is helpful! I am sure that you will be rich some day and for that reason I am really happy to be related to you. 

Purrrfection

This Advice is for Brittany who asked;

"My cat likes to wake up my husband and I IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! I swear she's like a baby, always wanting attention and stuff like fresh food and water, and a clean place to *ahem* go to the bathroom. How can I show her she needs to grow up and learn to be a little more independent?"

Brittany, it is not by chance that I am responding to your question today. I have 846545684546534151 other fans who need advice. Today I was feeling very passionate about cat rights because some douche in New Zealand wants to get rid of all the cats to save the bird population! BIRDS WERE THE WORST THINGS EVER CREATED!!!!!

So in the interest of promoting cat ownership everywhere I will answer your question.

Brittany, cats are not like babies. They are more like teenagers. They do not want to please you, they look like they want to kill you, and occasionally they smoke weed...

Bad kitty!!




The trick to dealing with your cat is setting some ground rules and being strict with them.

Open Poop Policy 
You obviously don't have the alpha feline power to force your cat to obey you. So you must do the opposite of what you want it to do. If you poop on the floor all the time your cat will rebel buy pooping in a civilized manner. After a couple legitimate human poops you can use fake poop, just don't let your cat catch you or it may rip your eyes out for the deception.

The Family Bed
My parents did this thing growing up called The Family Bed. Any of the kids could just come get in bed with them. All the babies would sleep their till they were old enough for a real bed. I think this would work wonderfully for your cat. Quit being selfish and let your cat know it is welcome. If you bed becomes the sleeping place it wont be as fun to wake you up.

P.S. This policy became less enjoyable once I figured out how babies were made and saw how many my parents had.....

Hunger
Feeding a cat can be a pain! You should go on a trip to New Zealand with your cat! I hear that they have way too many stupid birds. Once your cat eats all the birds it can feed on poor defenseless hobbits. One cat to rule them all!!

Stupid Roommates

This advice is for Trent who asked;

"Shredstin... One of my roommates claims he accidentally drank one my delicious creme sodas. I know I should just forgive him over such a trivial matter, but I'm finding that's hard to do. What should I do?"

Trent, I happen to know your roommate on a very deep personal level and I know for a fact that he is very sorry about your creme soda. Also on a side note, it was very delicious.

Having roommates sucks sometimes! If they aren't stealing your stuff they are bitchin about you stealing from them! It is a vicious cycle. Since we all have to deal with stupid people living with us at one point or another here are some tips on how to deal with it.

 Eat Fast Food

If all you eat is fast food then your roommate can never steal it (unless you bring it home and don't guard it well)! There are absolutely no side effects to just eating fast food. At all.

 Tame a Dragon.

This is my favorite picture I have ever done on paint (please don't sue me artist), and it depicts a unicorn taming a dragon. You Trent must be that unicorn and your roommate must be the dragon....or just tame a real dragon...who would mess with a guy with a freakin pet dragon?!

Share Feelings

This is the gayest advice I have ever given and I know for a fact that your roommate will rip your spine out (no picture provided) if you should attempt such an action. Ever.

I hope this advice helps Trent and I hope you figure out how to grow up and share. 

     

Getting the baby to sleep

This advice is for Darren who asked;

"Shred, my beautiful baby girl will not go to sleep in her own bed without the vacuum running... I should just vacuum the house.. I don't.. I just leave it there running... after a while it starts making sounds like its going to blow up. Advise me."

I am really worried about your vacuum Darren....oh and your baby too I guess.  Since I don't want either of those things to blow up I will give you some advice.

Just read this children's book to Emery every night. That should do the trick.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Emery. She was very fun a very cool (much like her uncle Shredstin).  She was very popular (just like her uncle Shredstin) and her best friend in the whole world was Victor the vacuum.

Victor was the best vacuum ever!!! Even better Hoover vacuums. It was the suckiest vacuum on the planet. He was also a perfect gentleman and could quote any Ryan Gosling movie by heart.

One day an evil orc that kinda looked like a retard zombie ninja turtle (band name?) came and took Victor away. He said, "Eric Stanford told me to steal this and he says that him and Darren can't be friends anymore because you were born. It is all your fault Emery. All the orcs hate you."

Emery didn't like the orc's tone.

Every night Emery would long for the return of Victor. That orc was a meanie head and deserved to die.

So uncle Shredstin killed him, and all the other orcs in the universe. He brought back Victor and Emery and Victor cleaned happily ever after.

That should do the trick Darren. Hopefully you never have to use a vacuum again in your life!

High Maintenance

This advice is for Mike who asked;

"Shredstin. A lot of girls out there feel like they aren't high maintenance when really they are. What are some sure fire methods for measuring their high maintenancy?"

First off Mike, way to make up the word "maintenancy". That shows that you don't just sit around waiting for words to be handed to you! You take action, and clearly your maintenancy levels are very low. 

Unfortunately not every one is like you, especially our better looking counterparts. Woman are higher maintenance than men because they have more to maintain. Here are a few of those things they need to maintain;

-Their dominion over our every thought and action.

-Their "natural" hair color.

-Their ability to let that "natural" hair get clogged in the drain.

-Their ability to force men to clean the before mention hair out of the drain.

-Their dominion of 7/8 of the bed and blankets.

I got bored AND furious so I stopped the list.  

The number one sign to of telling when a girl is high maintenance is if you find her attractive. If she looks like this.....

she is probably not high maintenance and you should probably date her. She is such a sweetheart!

If you want to date attractive women there is no way to avoid the maintenance costs. It is like driving a fancy car in the future.  It will drive you lots of places and you will look good while doing so, but the parts are super expensive, it runs on diamonds, and it is constantly nagging you about your friends.

I hope this advice helps Mike and I hope to get your wedding invite soon.

Controlling Women

Finally some advice for men! This advice is for Seth who asked;

"The girl that I'm dating wants me to do all of these stupid things like wear a shirt, shave my face, clean my room, take out the trashes, do the dishes, etc. What do I do?" He continues by saying, "She even goes so far as to ask me to change my underwear EVERY DAY"

Seth it sounds like you have a common case of girlssuckandwanttoruinyourlife-itis . The only way to cure this is to dump that hoe and start reading fantasy books...oh and be alone for the rest of your life.  Since i know you personally and know that you are a lover of women and unable to quit, I will teach you how to bare these afflictions.

Clothing
If your woman is trying to make you wear a shirt she is essentially saying that she hates your body. If she wants you to change you underwear she is saying that your natural smell is repulsive and that you as a person are undesirable. That only way to counteract this is the agree with her when she asks if her butt looks fat in those jeans and tell her that she doesn't actually look just as pretty without makeup.

 Shaving
I am writing these words while I have a mustache. It doesn't effect who I am. Never shave for a woman. Women's number one goal is to make us as much like them as possible and restricting facial hair is their favorite tool. I say we release a virus that makes every woman grow a beard. ALL FOR BEARDS AND BEARDS FOR ALL!!

 Housework

Unfortunately housework has become a unisex activity. There are only two options for avoiding doing it. 

Option 1: (see picture)

Option 2: Cover everything that needs to be cleaned in chocolate. The second your woman gets home she will lick everything clean!  She won't even be mad when she finds out that you tricked her and you will most likely get some action afterwards.

So that is my advice. I hope it was helpful and I hope that you and your clearly abusive girlfriend find happiness.

How to win a date with Shredstin

So I got a lot of questions today due to my constant nagging, so obviously I chose the most self-gratifying. This advice is for Olivia who asked;

"How is a girl to win a date with the one and only Shredstin?"

So I get it. Girls want me! It is a bit overwhelming actually. So instead of asking them out..... don't! If I asked out every girl that wanted me I would only eat one meal a day because I would always be paying for two! 

So maybe a competition would be appropriate! Then I could weed out all the girls that don't deserve me and entertain myself in the process. 

Here are the ideas that I have that you can do to prove your worthiness.

Crafts

Besides physical touch, gifts are one of my most common love languages. I am a pretty good at crafts and this picture is an example of a lovely dream catcher that I made for Olivia. If a girl made a craft that could rival the quality of my own skills she will be entered to win a date with 

me.

 Quidditch

Scratch that. Harry Potter is my most common love language.  If a girl started a quidditch league in Provo and made me the team captain of the Slytherin team, she would ABSOLUTELY win a date with me. In fact i would probably marry her.

Indian Leg Wrestling

Not many people know this but I have only been beaten in Indian leg wrestling once (CURSE YOU DARREN!!!!)  If a girl could beat me in Indian leg wrestling or somehow prove she was an Indian leg wrestling champion I would ask her out on the spot. Not only would I be impressed by her strength but I would also know she would have the hips and thighs to bare my children. 

Pokemon Memorized

If you have all the original 150 Pokemon memorized in order I will ask you out immediately.

So there are just a few ideas.  I would be willing to look into any other feats of awesomeness as proof of worthiness but just remember that I can't date you all.

Getting Dates

This advice is for Ellen Nicole who asked;

 "I have a 2 part question. All of the guys I know are pretty cool, but I'm pretty sure none of them will ever ask me out. So 1. What motivates a guy to ask a girl out, and how can I encourage this. And 2. Where can I go to meet new guys who would be more inclined to ask me out on a date?"

Well played Nicole. I usually only answer one question at a time but you forced my hand and made me answer two!  That kind of bold determination is sure to get you many future dates.  

To honestly answer your question I have no idea what motivates most guys to ask girls out. I can only speak for myself and what I look for in someone to date. Listed below are a few of those things.

-Courage. As much as men would hate to admit it, women actually have a lot more power to decide when a relationship will be allowed to occur.  We are just to brainless drones that have to do all the work and cover all the expenses. If you want to date someone just find a way to tell them you do!! If the guy really likes you he won't get weird about it.

-Touch.  Nothing tells a boy that you like him more than touch.  If you don't want him, then keep your filthy hands off him!

-Be cool. People have this notion that you have to go on official dates in order to start a relationship with someone. I feel like this is false and that often times dates bring a lot of unnecessary pressure . Every relationship I have ever had started with just having a good time and getting to know each other. If you want to start dating after that then you will just find time to be alone. Why can't we just be human beings who do things together and like each other people!!

Now where to find guys.  This all depends on what type of guys you are trying to find. Below you will find a few different types of guys and where to find them.

Cowboys












You may find this type of guy hanging out in the jean section of  Wal-mart. If he isn't buying Wranglers then he is a poser cowboy and you should avoid these types at all costs.  You may also find this type of guy spiting tobacco into a bin or riding a horse into the sunset. 

 Bodybuilders
















This type of guy spend 50% of his time at the gym and the other 50% of his time at some body of water. You may ask when he sleeps. He would reply "That's what Redbulls are for girl. Now get over her and put out!", to which you can either choose to accept or find some other body of water to swim in.

Nerds
















The best way to find a nerd in online. That is where they are most appealing as well.  If you are more into face to face interaction you may find one of these handsome devils at the Dragons Den card shop finishing the final rounds of the Friday night Magic the Gathering tournament or in his room having an important meeting with his World of Warcraft guild.

Sensitive Guys

This type of gentleman would most likely be found in which ever movie you would find most interesting. In fact, the only reason you found him was because you were following the path of rose pedals that he leaves as he walks. Once you arrive he will already have paid for you and have your favorite types of chocolate waiting for you.  The reason he doesn't have a shirt on is because you were feeling a bit cold and he gave it to you. He is currently trying to warm himself up on this rock instead of invading your privacy and asking you to cuddle.